Lately I've been thinking alot about my childhood and the environment I grew up in; especially relative to how my small corner of the world operates today and how I fit into it. I had to grow up fast, but in other ways I've been late to bloom. I was fortunate to be provided with most everything I needed growing up, but I feel like my life and personal growth really began when I went away to college. That's pretty typical for that stage in life, but for me it was truly a chance for a new beginning. I'm not the girl who's afraid of getting older. In fact I fully embrace it because it puts additional time and space between a really difficult time in my life, and the life that I've since created for myself...that continues to bless me with more stability, a stronger sense of identity, confidence, peace of mind, and excitement for the road ahead of me. At 33 years young, I'm really beginning to realize that there is a strong foundation beneath me that I'm growing to appreciate more and more as the years go by.
My family moved to northern Minnesota, Duluth to be exact, when I was 4 years old. A few short months later my family was in a terrible car accident that instantly claimed my mom and severely injured my dad and myself. I was released from the hospital after a week, well on my road to recovery. But my dad remained for another 5 weeks, suffering from a traumatic brain injury. My older brother suffered only minor physical injuries but was traumatized by vivid memories of the event and the days and weeks to follow, as the reality of what happened began to sink in. In his late teens he was diagnosed with schizophrenia and this will continue to be his life-long struggle. I've shared this struggle with him for most of my adult life, through his multiple suicide attempts and cycles through the various highs and lows in his life. There are many days when I feel like his strength to keep going far outweighs the strength that has powered me through my life, because his obstacles are bigger and uglier than mine, and they'll always be there. Our dad remarried when I was 8 and my brother and I gained 3 step brothers, who've remained a very important part of our lives. Our dad died unexpectedly when I was 17; he fell off the ladder as he was coming down from clearing snow off the roof of our house. When my stepmom and I found him, he was already gone. I moved away to college 7 months later. My stepmom lost her 5 year battle with bone cancer when I was 19. My brothers and I were at her bedside as she took her last breath. Watching someone suffer and die like that is an experience that profoundly changes you forever. Period. I returned to finish my junior year of college and officially graduated one semester later than my class; but I moved forward and have continued moving forward ever since.
These are the events that mark my early years and have shaped my life to date. That's a lot of tragedy, loss, and struggle for one person to experience in 19 years. But I'm stronger for it. I'm more appreciative for each day, for the strong bonds and relationships in my life, and for the little things that make my world go 'round. Now that I'm older and have experienced life at my own pace and in my own way, when I look back on those early years of my life I'm able to see, understand, and appreciate other experiences - both old and new - on a much deeper level. But with each passing day, my foundation continues to help me find my way and appreciate my place in this ever-changing world.
