Starting Over

I abandoned this blog 5 years ago. It wasn't intentional but a lot of life and change has happened since then and I got caught up in it. Looking back on my earlier posts, I ended up deleting a few as I no longer recognized that person and didn't care to be reminded of who I was. It's amazing what can happen in 5 years! But now I'm back and looking for an outlet to address the me of today and try to work through the noise.

Where I left off, I was in a relationship that felt like it was going to stick for good and I was completely intoxicated by it all. But that eventually changed and that relationship ended after 3.5 years. The ending was pretty anti-climatic, with a delayed aftershock that I very reluctantly acknowledge. We remained in touch and on friendly terms for a while after I walked away, but I discovered some details around this time last year that cast an unfortunate cloud of doubt over the whole experience. I caught him in a lie and called him out, but I took the high road in doing so. I honestly hoped that it would hurt him more, if he was any semblance of the person I thought he was. Although I let go of him a long time ago, even before I finally walked away, my heart needs more time. I've learned that a person who's experienced so much emotional trauma and loss in life operates on a different timeline. The heart certainly takes its sweet time in healing, and I'm trying to allow that to happen as naturally as possible.

Who really enjoys starting over?! As much as I want to be ready for that, I'm just not there yet and I don't know when I will be. The thing about emotional upheaval is that other things in life become priority, for self preservation. Diving into graduate school 2 years ago was a welcomed and rewarding distraction. But now that the busyness of school has died down, the noise of the past has become deafening and I have to deal with it. It's become a greater struggle to take good care of myself and truly enjoy the things that make me happy. Enough already!

As a self-proclaimed extroverted introvert, being single definitely has its perks. I enjoy and genuinely prefer being alone 95% of the time. But I do have my moments when I feel it'd be really nice to share this life with someone else and feel that goofy happiness again. But today's focus is all about rediscovering a healthy dose of that happiness on my own. It's time!

Nature's Finest

I spent much of Sunday hiking around the Landscape Arboretum in Chaska, enjoying the vast acreage of peaceful beauty, getting a little camera happy along the way. It's hard to resist! I have very early childhood memories of being there in the fall with my family, with visions of pumpkins and scarecrows dancing in my head. It's a very happy memory. 

Little me with my brother & mom in 1983

Since those early days, I first revisited the Arboretum during the fall of 2009, just three years ago. A flood of emotion washed over me and I cannot quite put into words what I felt, other than a strong connection with my parents. They were both graduates of the University of MN and I always imagined that they spent much of their time there, perhaps while they were dating. It's the one place that I can go and get lost for hours on end, and truly feel at peace. Literally speaking, it's my happy place. I wanted to share some of the pictures that I took yesterday. It's amazing how happy I feel just viewing the pictures alone, even though they don't quite do justice to the images in their natural setting. If only I could infuse the photographs with the same scents and sounds, even the warm breeze, that you encounter as part of the full experience...

19/33

Lately I've been thinking alot about my childhood and the environment I grew up in; especially relative to how my small corner of the world operates today and how I fit into it. I had to grow up fast, but in other ways I've been late to bloom. I was fortunate to be provided with most everything I needed growing up, but I feel like my life and personal growth really began when I went away to college. That's pretty typical for that stage in life, but for me it was truly a chance for a new beginning. I'm not the girl who's afraid of getting older. In fact I fully embrace it because it puts additional time and space between a really difficult time in my life, and the life that I've since created for myself...that continues to bless me with more stability, a stronger sense of identity, confidence, peace of mind, and excitement for the road ahead of me. At 33 years young, I'm really beginning to realize that there is a strong foundation beneath me that I'm growing to appreciate more and more as the years go by.

My family moved to northern Minnesota, Duluth to be exact, when I was 4 years old. A few short months later my family was in a terrible car accident that instantly claimed my mom and severely injured my dad and myself. I was released from the hospital after a week, well on my road to recovery. But my dad remained for another 5 weeks, suffering from a traumatic brain injury. My older brother suffered only minor physical injuries but was traumatized by vivid memories of the event and the days and weeks to follow, as the reality of what happened began to sink in. In his late teens he was diagnosed with schizophrenia and this will continue to be his life-long struggle. I've shared this struggle with him for most of my adult life, through his multiple suicide attempts and cycles through the various highs and lows in his life. There are many days when I feel like his strength to keep going far outweighs the strength that has powered me through my life, because his obstacles are bigger and uglier than mine, and they'll always be there. Our dad remarried when I was 8 and my brother and I gained 3 step brothers, who've remained a very important part of our lives. Our dad died unexpectedly when I was 17; he fell off the ladder as he was coming down from clearing snow off the roof of our house. When my stepmom and I found him, he was already gone. I moved away to college 7 months later. My stepmom lost her 5 year battle with bone cancer when I was 19. My brothers and I were at her bedside as she took her last breath. Watching someone suffer and die like that is an experience that profoundly changes you forever. Period. I returned to finish my junior year of college and officially graduated one semester later than my class; but I moved forward and have continued moving forward ever since.

These are the events that mark my early years and have shaped my life to date. That's a lot of tragedy, loss, and struggle for one person to experience in 19 years. But I'm stronger for it. I'm more appreciative for each day, for the strong bonds and relationships in my life, and for the little things that make my world go 'round. Now that I'm older and have experienced life at my own pace and in my own way, when I look back on those early years of my life I'm able to see, understand, and appreciate other experiences - both old and new - on a much deeper level. But with each passing day, my foundation continues to help me find my way and appreciate my place in this ever-changing world.