I abandoned this blog 5 years ago. It wasn't intentional but a lot of life and change has happened since then and I got caught up in it. Looking back on my earlier posts, I ended up deleting a few as I no longer recognized that person and didn't care to be reminded of who I was. It's amazing what can happen in 5 years! But now I'm back and looking for an outlet to address the me of today and try to work through the noise.
Where I left off, I was in a relationship that felt like it was going to stick for good and I was completely intoxicated by it all. But that eventually changed and that relationship ended after 3.5 years. The ending was pretty anti-climatic, with a delayed aftershock that I very reluctantly acknowledge. We remained in touch and on friendly terms for a while after I walked away, but I discovered some details around this time last year that cast an unfortunate cloud of doubt over the whole experience. I caught him in a lie and called him out, but I took the high road in doing so. I honestly hoped that it would hurt him more, if he was any semblance of the person I thought he was. Although I let go of him a long time ago, even before I finally walked away, my heart needs more time. I've learned that a person who's experienced so much emotional trauma and loss in life operates on a different timeline. The heart certainly takes its sweet time in healing, and I'm trying to allow that to happen as naturally as possible.
Who really enjoys starting over?! As much as I want to be ready for that, I'm just not there yet and I don't know when I will be. The thing about emotional upheaval is that other things in life become priority, for self preservation. Diving into graduate school 2 years ago was a welcomed and rewarding distraction. But now that the busyness of school has died down, the noise of the past has become deafening and I have to deal with it. It's become a greater struggle to take good care of myself and truly enjoy the things that make me happy. Enough already!
As a self-proclaimed extroverted introvert, being single definitely has its perks. I enjoy and genuinely prefer being alone 95% of the time. But I do have my moments when I feel it'd be really nice to share this life with someone else and feel that goofy happiness again. But today's focus is all about rediscovering a healthy dose of that happiness on my own. It's time!
